A Toast to you, Facebook Stalker - Everyone does it. In fact, you probably just got done doing it. We find some people on Facebook, whether its an ex, a friend, a friend’s ex, an old HS crush, your sister’s roommate, your buddy’s cousin’s friend’s mom with the huge tits or anyone…and we look through their Facebook profile. Pictures, interests, old wall posts. All that shit. Facebook has been the aid to stalkers everywhere for the past few years. I swear I can find out almost anything on it just by visiting a few profiles, adding a few friends here or there, and reading a few wall posts.

But even though everyone does it, there is also a small group of individuals who do nothing but this. An occasional “stalk” here or there is healthy. But if you’re sitting in class going through the Facebook profile of your roommates high school hookup (who you have never met, talked to or even seen in person) and you know their “Favorite Quotations” and the order of their profile pictures by heart, there is something wrong with you.

Now people could have trouble deciding whether or not they are actually Stage 1 Facebook Stalkers (normal amount of stalking) or if they have reached Code Red Stage 5 status. Here are some clues:

1. If the sheer word “status” in the paragraph above made you want to “Like” something, you might be a Code Red Stage 5 Facebook Stalker.

2. If you sit at your computer and go through all 62 friends who just changed their profile pictures just to see what the picture has been changed to, you might be a Code Red Stage 5 Facebook Stalker.

3. If you constantly refresh your Facebook home page every 5 seconds to see if there are any new posts from the conversation between your ex-boyfriend (from 6 years ago) and his buddy about the trouble they are having with their History 311 class, you might be a Code Red Stage 5 Facebook Stalker (or just genuinely concerned). Regardless, creepy.

4. If you’re the first person to “Like” a post, 2 seconds after it is posted, you might be a Code Red Stage 5 Facebook Stalker. Seriously, there is no way you can “Like” something that fast. It takes me like 30 seconds just to read and then digest any sort of post. Especially if it is a video clip. Yeah, you might KNOW that you like a YouTube clip of Dave Matthews Band’s “Crash into me.” But did you know, without actually watching the video, you could have just liked the video recording of a Mexican midget and Donkey porno (poor, poor midget) that has been named “Crash into me” just to avoid trouble from authorities. And YOU liked it!!! You’re sick.

5. If you add every single mutual friend of your ex-boyfriend AFTER you de-friended your ex in a messy break up, JUST so that you can properly continue to stalk him, you might be a Code Red Stage 5 Facebook Stalker. Actually, you ARE a Code Red Stage 5 Facebook Stalker. That’s really fucking weird.

6. If you comment on or “Like” every single profile picture of your roommate’s little sister who you met once on move-in day 2 years ago, you might be a Code Red Stage 5 Facebook Stalker. Or a pedo….Come on dude, she’s like 15.

7. If you create a fake Facebook page named “John Smith” and then friend request somebody you meet so you can stalk them and not actually friend them because you don’t want to seem weird by friending after just a two word conversation, you might be a Code Red Stage 5 Facebook Stalker.

8. If you have a restraining order against you, you might be a Code Red Stage 5 Facebook Stalker or you’re a regular stalker. Pick your poison. Both suck.

9. If you know every single fact under somebody’s “Info” tab (This includes “Favorite Quotations,” favorite music, books, TV shows, movies, activities, people and can recite their “About Me” section by heart), you might be a Code Red Stage 5 Facebook Stalker or you could just have a really great memory. If it’s the latter, I still wouldn’t go public with this information.

10. If you have Facebook Stalked somebody SO hard before meeting them, that when you first meet them, the conversation goes like this:

- Person A - Hey

- Code Red Stage 5 - Good Thanks.

- Person A - Um, What? Ha.

- Code Red Stage 5 - Oh, nothing. I just saw that you liked “That awkward moment when someone says ‘hello’ and you say ‘good thanks’” on Facebook.

- Person A - Uh, I’m not friends with you on Facebook.

- Code Red Stage 5 - Hahahahahaha Totally.

…..Then you might be a Code Red Stage 5 Facebook Stalker…What the fuck are you thinking?

Now these are only 10 of the many clues that can help each one of you out there decide whether your friends or yourself is a Code Red Stage 5 Facebook Stalker or just a regular Facebook Stalker. I could go on forever with these, but if you’ve committed at least half of these Facebook crimes, then you should be committed.

And so, a toast to you, Code Red Stage 5 Facebook Stalker. Go outside. We “OMG! I wish there was a dislike button” you. Creep.