A toast to you, Beer Stealer - Beer. Delicious, golden and refreshing. There is nothing better than cracking open an ice cold and sitting in the sunshine. In college, beer is probably one of the main food groups. There’s: Fast Food, Dining Hall sludge, Pizza, Ramen and Beer…and for me, toast. When I think back on what my diet was like in college, these are what will come to mind.

Take note that beer is the only beverage on the list above. That’s because other than Dr. Thunder (Dr. Pepper’s autistic younger brother) or some other sort of cheap soda you can get from Wal-Mart, and water, Beer is what you drink the most. You drink Monday night to get over the shock that the week is starting already, you drink Tuesday to help get over the hangover from Monday, You drink Wednesday to celebrate Hump-Day, then its Thirsty Thursday, the weekend, and you recover on Sunday with some homework sprinkled in. That’s just how college is for some people.

Now granted, not everyone drinks beer. Some drink Whiskey, Rum, Gin, rubbing alcohol, girls drink Vodka, Smirnoff Ices, Wine. It depends what your taste is. But the point is, Beer is number one. In addition to its popularity, its also sometimes difficult to come by at parties. Sometimes not everyone is 21, making the obtaining of beer quite a challenge. Other times the gas station can’t serve beer on Sundays (Bible Belt, it sucks). Maybe you only have enough money to buy a 12 pack for the night. Either way, these are what makes beer so desirable. Its delicious and popular, and it is also sometimes hard to obtain.

This brings me to the feature of this post. Here’s an example to lead into my point.

Picture this: You’re low on cash. Your bros come knocking on your door on Friday night. You close the laptop to hide the fact that you were Facebook stalking some girl from your Art History class (Facebook Stalker - Coming Soon!). You answer the door to see some of your bros with a frosty delicious beverage in their hand. Beer. “Bro, those Delta Gamma Blowjob sluts are having a party tonight at University Apartments, we gotta go. I heard that girl from your Art History class is gonna be there!” ….Sold.

The only problem now is that you are broke. You have no beer at all. And what good is this party with Art History girl if you can’t get wasted and grow the balls to talk to her with a little liquid confidence? Immediately you look around the room.

You check your wallet one last time….Nothing….Secret money hiding spot….2 bucks….Ok Ok, its a start….Out to your car….$2.54 in change….OK you got $4.54. You only need about 4 more bucks for a 12-pack which will get you just drunk enough to talk to the Art History angel.

Back to looking….Kitchen counter drawer…65 cents and a picture of your roommates sexy sister. Nice….under the couch…82 cents…Fuck. Its not enough. You are about $2.50 short. You begin thinking about selling your laptop. Or maybe your desk lamp. Or maybe trading your watch to the Indian guy at the gas station for a free case. They love bling.

FUCK!! But then it hits you. You have a $5 dollar bill in your jeans from when you went to McDonalds last Tuesday and they didn’t charge you for your nuggets!! You tear apart your laundry hamper, find the 5 and head to the gas station. Beer purchased, you head home.

After crushing some of your boys in a little bit of pre-gaming BP, you head out. 7 beers deep and a couple of shots you buddy’s spotted you, you’re feeling it a little. But you need those 5 remaining brews to get the right amount of conversation-having drunk….clutch. As you head out, you throw the remaining brews back into either the 12-pack case or a grocery bag (if you’re grubby). Party time.

Entering the party, you have two thoughts in your head: 1.) Find Art History girl. 2.) Find a place to put the beer so you and only you can find and drink them. Since you can’t do 1 without number 2, you look for a hiding spot. 

Under the couch? Taken. Behind this curtain? Taken. In the back part of the toilet? Taken by an upper-decked turd already… and gross. Kitchen cabinet? Taken. Closet? Clearly taken.

You go outside to the last resort and hide your grocery bag in a bush. Adjusting the branches so nobody will find them. You put two beers in your pocket then proceed into the party and begin fraternizing. You crush a beer. Open the next. Crushed. Back outside for more. You’re right on the brink of being drunk enough to talk to the AH girl. But then, something terrible happens. Some mother-fucker stole your beer. Yes, it was only 3 beers, but this is the shit I hate.

This bastard has not only robbed you of your delicious golden beverage, he has also robbed you of the liquid confidence you put so much hard work into finding as well as that comfortable feeling of having a drink in your hand at a party. Here, left without beer, you look like a Sober Sally. Which, at a party, does not make you look like the most fun person. 

This jackass probably showed up double fisting 2 beers (and thats it) and was plotting the entire time to steal beer from wherever he could. Usually, he has come prepared: He has a beer in each one of his cargo-shorts pockets that can fit a beer (meh, Cargo shorts. Don’t get me started.) Those things have like 50 fucking pockets. Usually he is either playing beer pong (everyone knows you can’t interrupt a game to ask who stole your beer. That’s called etiquette, boys and girls) or he is in sitting down in a crowded area, staying out of your sight.

I’ve heard this person been called a beer ninja. Stealthily taking beer from another. (taken from Urban Dictionary).

Synonyms: Beer Stealer, Fuck Face, Asshole, Dickhead, Freshman. Antonyms: Good Friend, Good Person, Respectable Human Being.

Regardless of what you call him, this person is responsible for ruining dozens of nights all across the country. He not only prevents you from continuing drinking, he completely halts the party. T=because everyone knows the party ends when the beer runs out. And since he didn’t bring any and just steals from others, the beer runs out pretty fucking fast. Party is over. Dick.

And so a toast to you, Beer Stealer. You’re a fuck face, and if I ever see you stealing my beer, I will shove it up your Buttweiser (right?!)….oh, and we hate you.