A toast to you, Extreme Drunk Texter - I love texting. In fact, I do it all the time. Speaking on the phone has its uses: Car crashes, trying to find each other in a crowd, speaking to a significant other, letting your best friend know that Family Guy is on TBS. You know, the emergencies. 

Now as you can tell by the paragraph above, I text all the time. Especially when I am drunk. I think that everyone does it. And if you say you don’t, you’re either extremely good at self-control or you don’t have any fucking friends. It’s actually kind of fun.

Waking up the next morning to see that you sent your some girl from high school “you got sime Great.tits gaha” is nothing short of comedic gold. Even sending a text to your buddy and then proceeding to have an entire drunk text conversation with him about which one is the better friend. That’s just wonderful. A few mis-spelled words is fine. A stray i here, a couple auto-corrected words there that don’t make sense. Splendid.

But what really gets to me is when you’re sitting with your buddies early on in the night, sipping some brews. Suddenly, your phone buzzes on your leg. You whip out your iPhone and read the text only to find out its an incomprehensible paragraph from your friend that just serves to piss you off. (This is a girl about 75 percent of the time. But guys have been caught doing it.)

“Omg i juys dranhbv a shioyt of thg grosest voidkja everrr5rr lol. we;re coninhg toi your hoiuse now”

OK.

Clearly you’re not that drunk. It’s 7:30, you’ve been drinking for 45 minutes. But before we get to that, lets evaluate the text.

This thing looks like actual word vomit. Some of the letters in these words aren’t even close to the other letters that you meant to push on the keypad. I know you have the iPhone too, which means you have auto-correct. That means you actually disregarded the auto-corrections to your text so that this drunk string of garbage would look as terrible as possible when i attempted to translate it. It’s actually like a brain teaser. I don’t really want to do some sort of mental exercise every time I read a fucking text from you on the weekend.

Also, I can’t quite wrap my head around how you got that 5 into the text, mid-word. (For you non-iPhone users: to do so, you would actually have to switch pages from the letters to the numbers page, then go back to finish the word) Now it seems to me that this was not a drunk text to me at all. In fact, it looks like a very sober you carefully constructed some ridiculous slew of shit into one text message in order to give the impression of you being blackout drunk and completely unable to operate a phone. This would allow you to act like a train wreck upon arrival, giving me the heads up before you actually arrive so I don’t hit you in the face with a shovel.

This hypothesis seems even more of a fact when you show up to the house, out of control, take 5 more shots of “thg grosest voidkja everrr5rr lol” and then tell me you’re not that drunk. But the best is when you get a text from them later on in the night that is completely legible.

“Hey! Great night tonight. Sorry we broke your lamp! See you tomorrow! :)”

Are you serious? What the fuck is happening. 6 hours, 5 shots and 2 mixed drinks ago you were extra sloppy, now you’re spelling correctly, using exclamation points, proper grammar and even threw in a smiley (those are sexy). Its like the more you actually drink, the better you can operate a phone?

You took drunk texting and fucked it in the ass. What was once fun is now ruined for me…..Obviously I am going to continue to do it, but anytime I get a text from you past 8 o’clock at night on a weekend, conversation over. Respect lost. Fuck you.

So here’s a toast to you, Extreme Drunk Texter…. W;e Hatre uyou loll