A toast to you, Touchy-Feely Couple - Congratulations on finding each other. It must be really special to have somebody else who loves you and does not mind groping the fuck out of you in public while simultaneously getting fondled in return. 

Couples are awesome. What’s better than having a great girl who you can walk to class with, hold her hand, spoil her, watch bad movies with her, stay up late talking to her, buy her flowers, talk sports with her (see: sports girl) have her be the first thing you see in the morning? Nothing tops it. (Except maybe toast. And winning. I love winning). But the moment that your bedroom life with her goes out into the public arena, we got a problem. 

I’m sorry, but I don’t really want to see you guys finger-fucking under the table at the dining hall. And what’s with you two sitting on the same side of the booth as each other? Its a booth. There are two sides. Personally, I don’t understand why you wouldn’t want to sit across from your girl so you can look into her eyes. Oh, wait. Now I know, because you can’t shove your face in her chome (this is exaggerated. But only a little) from the other side of the booth.

Kissing in public is great. Holding hands. Having her rest her head on you. Even the occasional butt grab. Nobody appreciates a good butt like me. But crotch rubbing? Tit grabbing? Neck kissing, sensual massages and blowjobs? OK, not really blowjobs. But come on. That shit is fucked up. Nobody wants to see you guys try and get your nut off in public. How hard is it to keep your hands off of each other until you get home?

This seems to be especially bad at parties. Listen, I get it. Alcohol makes everyone horny. But if you start feeling “the urge” then grab your girl or guy and gtfo. (Yep, bringing back AIM lingo). Otherwise, the whole party is gonna feel super uncomfortable trying to have a good time while you guys are balls deep on the couch. Plus we’ll probably have to throw that couch out.

And so, a toast to you, Touchy-Feely Couple. Its great that you guys love each other. But stop the public porno. Nobody wants to see that shit… Unless its two girls. That’d be pretty cool.