A toast to you, Mr. Creeper - This guy is like a fucking sexual-predator-lion. He’s like the Jerry Sandusky of drunk or crying girls (too soon?). The only thing on his mind is getting laid tonight by literally almost anything that walks.
The Creeper can stalk all kinds of different prey. Drunk girls, crying girls, dead girls (just kidding…I hope) and he has a different approach with each one. Here is a breakdown of the Creeper’s victims:
- Creeping on the Drunk Girl - We have all seen this before. She arrives at the bar semi retarded already and four lemon drops and one Vodka-Ton and five minutes later she is shit faced retarded singing Miley Cyrus at the top of her lungs on the Karaoke. The Creeper smells her drunk behavior. He sees her stumbling, bumbling, rumbling Chris Berman style and he locks in. He tries to talk her into inviting him back to her place to do some shots. Dude, are you fucking serious? She’s one shot away from a whole lot of puking and whole lot of unconsciousness and you’re seriously trying to get it in right now? You need to call her a cab home…and not to your home. The last thing she wants is some douchebag named Chad double fisting Vodka Crans and trying to get her to dance with him.
- Creeping on the Crying Girl - When girls get drunk they can turn into a number of things: a bitch, a slut, a lot of fun or she can be one of those girls who starts crying at literally fucking anything. While this is the most annoying kind of drunk girl, she is typically the most common. She can think of her ex boyfriend, the death of a family pet, or just how much she loves Christmas and BOOM! the tears start flowing. All because Sally Whatsherfuckingname hooked up with her ex boyfriend 4 months ago and posted on his Facebook wall. Mr. Creeper loves this. Why? Because what they’re looking for some comfort. And he’s just the creep to give it to her.
- Creeping on the younger sister - Family weekend means you’re offers the opportunity to take your little brothers or sisters out. Your parents want to give your 18 year old HS senior sister a glimpse of what life at college is like. You take her to a party, introduce her to your friends, get her drunk…enter Mr. Creeper. “Oh, hey! You’re Melissa’s little sister? I’m Chad, we’ve been best friends for like 2 years! Want another drink?” In no time your little sister is the latest prey of Mr. Creeper and his creeping ways.
All of these cases can end one of two ways: A hookup that turns out to be a mistake OR a sober friend can step in and stop this before it has a chance to ruin anyone’s reputation. This guy is one thin mustache away from seeing Chris Hansen in his kitchen.
And so, a toast to you, Mr. Creeper. We fucking hate you.