A toast to you, People with Dumb Tattoos - Tattoos should mean something. I mean, after all, they’re fucking permanent. That’s why I get both confused and frustrated when I see some dumb fucking girl with some dumb fucking tattoo that she thinks “really speaks to her.”

Yesterday I saw a girl with “To Live or to Love” tattooed on the back of her neck. Seriously? You had nothing else important enough to get tattooed on yourself that you actually typed “Inspirational quotes” into Google, and then spent 6 and a half minutes deciding which one was “like so true” to you? 

Lots of people have tattoos. I have a tattoo. I think they’re a great way to express yourself. But get something that is meaningful for fuck sake. Your last name, a song lyric or quote that is ACTUALLY meaningful, a family motto….something with thought behind it. Not just a picture of a bear in a cowboy hat (I don’t know). It’s permanent. So here are some no-no’s for avoiding lame tattooing:

- Chinese symbol - Sometimes, they can be cool. Like if you’re a Chinese guy who collects little animals with super powers and stores them in little red and white balls and you’re Ash from Pokemon. If you’re a white guy who has absolutely no knowledge of China, Chinese culture or the fact that China is a country, not just a fancy plate, then this is a no-no. Getting the Chinese symbol for Trust because you just think trust is really important, is really fucking stupid. Everyone thinks trust is important. Except for whoever told you your tattoo looked cool. They don’t give a shit about trust.

- Inside of your lip tattoos - Who the FUCK thought of this one? Did one of those old ladies who has inked their entire bodies think “Hm, since 100 percent of my body is already covered in dumb ink flowers and Ed Hardy shirt patterns, might as well make myself a total freak and start on the inside of my body.” This has to be how it happened because surely no normal person would think to do this. This tattoo is just plain gross. When someone asks me “hey, wanna see my tattoo?” I do not want you to yank down your lower lip so I can see “SMILE” written on that veiny, damp flap. Eughhh.

- Ambigram tattoos - For those of you that don’t know, this is a tattoo design that can be read both forward and upside down. As in one word can be seen if you look at it one way, and another word is seen when you look at it upside down. Example: If I get a tattoo that says SINNER on my chest, then i do a handstand, the tattoo now says SAINT. The only issue is, handstands are fucking hard. And ambirgram tattoos, no matter what you get them to say, just look like you gave a blind retarded guy an Etch-a-Sketch. And he marked you forever with this genius design. For the record I have no fucking clue what that says. As is the case with every ambigram tattoo, for all you dumb fucks who have them.

- Latin - OK so you’re a lawyer? A doctor? From Ancient Rome? Oh, no, you’re just a fucking retard who thought it’d be cool to get a dead language that nobody speaks tattooed on your bicep. Just because you got “Live Free or Die Hard” in Latin, doesn’t make it any less of a Bruce Willis movie or any more of a cool tattoo idea. It also doesn’t mean you Live Free or that you Die Hard. Everyone except Chinese children and Middle Eastern women live free. And dying hard sounds like a warning on the back of a Viagra box.

- Tattoos on the face - Mike Tyson has one. You’re a douche.

- Tattoos of faces - Getting a tattoo that is dedicated to someone is a really personal thing. It’s beautiful, in fact, to dedicate a small area of your body in memory of a good friend or important person in your life. But getting a portrait of someone, especially drawn on you by a sketchy guy named Chaz for forty bucks is never a good idea. If anything, whoever this special person is in the tattoo is going to look more like a zombie than the special human being they most likely are to you. Get their name or something, not something that resembles an amateur sketch of a Leprechaun. (watch this video)

- Tramp Stamps - Saved the best for last. Firstly, it’s actually called a tramp stamp. Secondly, it’s called a tramp stamp. There needs to be a weight limit on all women who get a tramp stamp. Nobody wants to see a stretched out butterfly pancake tattoo on the lower back of a 300lb girl’s muffin top. And men, don’t even think about it. 

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There it is. A guideline to getting a tattoo that is not 100 percent douchey. I’m not saying don’t get a tattoo. And I’m definitely not saying don’t get any of these tattoos. But I am saying that if you do, you’re just opening yourself up to a life of wondering why the FUCK you got a DUMB FUCKING TATTOO of a DUMB FUCKING AMBIGRAM on the inside of your DUMB FUCKING LIP. I mean, after all, they’re permanent you butthole. 

And so, a toast to you People with Dumb Tattoos. Shit ain’t coming off with soap and hot water. Oh, and we hate you as much as your are going to hate your tattoo in 2 weeks.