A toast to you, Girl Who Thinks She is Way Prettier Than She Actually Is - This is rare, but it still happens. It makes me so angry when it does happen because, on the other hand there are some really pretty girls who don’t know they’re really gorgeous, and they date ugly bags of douche because they don’t think they can do any better. So frustrating. 

Some girls think that just because they have blonde hair and big tits that they are God’s gift to Earth. Well, yes, blonde hair and big tits are pretty fucking awesome. Heck, throw a nice ass in there and you’re more than half-way to an erection from me. But if you have a face that resemble Steve Buscemi, then stop pretending like your hot shit. Boner killed. (By the way, click this)

You honestly can’t tell you’re not that hot? You couldn’t tell? Even after you were Baby Spice for Halloween and everyone thought you were either Carson from Queer Eye or Owen Wilson? Seriously? Still no?

Is it me, or do these girls piss everyone else off too? They honestly think they are attractive. I just don’t get it! And the worst part is they usually have the worst personalities too. They think they’re so attractive that they deserve to have everything done for them by the guys who are swooning after them with hopes of one day perhaps being “lucky enough” bump uglies (literally!).

There is no fucking way you go to a bar and can just “flip your hair and get free drinks all night.” (real quote) That’s fucking bullshit! If you go to a bar and flip your hair, I’m gonna buy myself a few more drinks so my Beer Goggles can make you stop looking like Sarah Jessica Parker and start looking a little bit more like a hazy Megan Fox. Mmmmm Megan Fox.

Let me just get this point across. Most people go to bars looking to have some fun with their friends, get retarded and possibly hook up. That’s just the truth. And if you’re a girl thinking to yourself “OMGzzz thats like so not true!” Shut the fuck up. You’re probably either a whore or bitter because you never get hit on. 

Anyway, so If a guy starts buying you some drinks, it means he wants to get in your pants. That, in no way, means you’re the best looking girl at the bar. In some cases it might (shitty bar). However, there is only one “best looking girl at the bar” and that’s my girlfriend, so its not you. You fall into the “good enough” category. As in good enough to hook up with. Shallow? Yes. True? Also yes. Sorry……(I’m not sorry.) 

Let’s review: if some guy picks you up at a bar and starts buying you drinks, it probably means you’re “good enough,” not that you’re a super model (Unless it’s for a ‘before using Proactive’ picture) or that you just flipped your hair. It means you’re a girl who is at least a 4, and he is horny. So don’t get too cocky. (get it?)

And if the guy sneaks out the next morning in such a hurry that he forgot his shirt, boxers, your telephone number and one of his shoes, he realized he just slept with Sloth from the Goonies and he has to get home before his roommates find out that he “actually did it!? Oh man!!”

And so, a toast to you, Girl Who Thinks She is Way Prettier Than She Actually Is. No you fucking don’t look like Jennifer Lopez. You look more like a mix between Sanjaya and Helga Pataki (Hey Arnold! duh.). OH, and we hate you.