***Please note: This is not shitting on old people. I love old people. I know we all get old some day, and getting old is not a joke, but a tragedy. But at least when I get old, I’m not gonna be a bitter old fart who robs college kids on the reg.***

A toast to you, Parking Services - Nobody fucking likes you. You are, probably, the worst human beings on the planet. At least in the eyes of thousands of college kids nation-wide.

I swear, they must go to the senior citizens home, pick up the most bitter old people they can find who are not yet using a Hoveround, throw them in a parking services car (which has to be the douchiest thing I’ve ever seen…other than a PT Cruiser), and tell them to go fuck as many people as possible before their afternoon nap. I honestly don’t know if this is true at other schools, but at my school, that’s how we roll. However, I can only imagine this to be true at most schools, as parking seems to be a legitimate issue at most universities.

The parking services at my school is an independent system. They fund themselves based on the money they earn by giving out tickets, towing cars and shitting on people’s lives Monday-Friday, 7:30-4:30. So, honestly, if a person is parked in the wrong spot, I don’t care if they give them a ticket. By all means, do so. That’s what’s supposed to happen. That’s your job. You guys gotta pay for your $5 Walmart prescriptions one way or another, right?… But I’ve heard some pretty nefarious stories about these assholes. So here is some Do’s and Don’t’s for parking Services:

DO:

- Hand out a ticket if somebody is in the wrong spot/their meter runs out.

- Tow a car that is parked next to a fire hydrant or delivery lane.

- Make sure that cars parked in designated spots have their appropriate emblem to park there

DO NOT:

- Give me a motherfucking ticket at 4:28, for parking in a spot that opens at 4:30. There should be like a 5 minute grace period or something. So that I am allowed to park in a spot within 5 minutes of it being open, without getting a ticket. In return, I won’t take a bat to your surgically replaced hip and your arthritic knees.

- Issue more than one fucking ticket for the same fucking offense. If I’m parked in a 30min spot, and you give me a ticket for being there for an hour, don’t fucking come back and give me another ticket. I clearly was just in a rush and needed somewhere to park. the last thing I probably need if I was so busy that I had to park in a 30 minute spot all the while knowing I would be recieving a ticket, is ANOTHER fucking ticket.    

- Get halfway through a ticket and then refuse to just “forget that it all happened” when I come back to get my car 30 seconds after you started writing. You’re telling me you honestly can’t just “forget” about it? You’d forget what pills to take on what day if it wasn’t for that fancy fucking pill seperator. I’m like 30 seconds late, gimme a fucking break. Dick.

- Charge me $150 dollars just for the pass to be able to park my car on campus, and then charge me $15-$95 every time I make an infraction, and be a dick about it. I’ve already shelled out 150 bucks to pay for your grandchildren’s Christmas gifts. The least you can do is be personable while your robbing me of my beer money for the weekend.

It gets me so pissed when I see their little fucking electric car cruising around the parking lots, looking for who they can fuck next. You know when you have one of those “Holy Shit was that real” daydreams? Well I have one of these every time I see their cars. Except my day dreams envision a T-Rex just attacking their car like in Jurassic Park. That shit was awesome.

Do you want to know the worst park about parking services? At least down south, the cost of a case of beer in $15. Guess how much a ticket is from Parking Services. You Bastards.

And so, a toast to you, Parking Services. Go take a nap, grab one of those Bus Drivers who won’t let me bring a sealed bottle of water on the bus, and go fuck each other.