August 2012
1 post
“I realized that if I was going to achieve anything in life I had to be...”
– Michael Jordan (via schoolteachersports)
November 2011
1 post
Mr. Creeper
A toast to you, Mr. Creeper - This guy is like a fucking sexual-predator-lion. He’s like the Jerry Sandusky of drunk or crying girls (too soon?). The only thing on his mind is getting laid tonight by literally almost anything that walks.
The Creeper can stalk all kinds of different prey. Drunk girls, crying girls, dead girls (just kidding…I hope) and he has a different approach with...
September 2011
6 posts
Bed Wetter
A toast to you, Bed Wetter - Everybody’s least favorite house guest. The person responsible for you having to Lysol your entire futon and thoroughly wash that blanket 4 times. You know, that one blanket that Gam-Gam knitted for you when you were 3. Well now it smells like it did when you were a filthy little 3 year old…like piss. Except this time its not because your parents let you...
People with Dumb Tattoos
A toast to you, People with Dumb Tattoos - Tattoos should mean something. I mean, after all, they’re fucking permanent. That’s why I get both confused and frustrated when I see some dumb fucking girl with some dumb fucking tattoo that she thinks “really speaks to her.”
Yesterday I saw a girl with “To Live or to Love” tattooed on the back of her neck. Seriously?...
The Girl Who Thinks She is Way Prettier Than She...
A toast to you, Girl Who Thinks She is Way Prettier Than She Actually Is - This is rare, but it still happens. It makes me so angry when it does happen because, on the other hand there are some really pretty girls who don’t know they’re really gorgeous, and they date ugly bags of douche because they don’t think they can do any better. So frustrating.
Some girls think that just...
Parking Services
***Please note: This is not shitting on old people. I love old people. I know we all get old some day, and getting old is not a joke, but a tragedy. But at least when I get old, I’m not gonna be a bitter old fart who robs college kids on the reg.***
A toast to you, Parking Services - Nobody fucking likes you. You are, probably, the worst human beings on the planet. At least in the eyes of...
The Drama Couple
A toast to you, Drama Couple - It seems like every single party I go to, there is one of these couples. One that “loves” each other so much that they can’t go one weekend without being on the brink of breaking up, before rekindling their magical relationship towards the end of the night… at least until the next weekend’s party.
This couple thinks they are perfect for...
The Suck Up
A toast to you, the Suck Up - There is one in every class. Everybody knows who he or she is as soon as the first day of school comes around. This person is the first one in class, last one out. Always.
This jackass arrives to class 15 minutes before it even starts. How the hell does he get there so fast? the last class ended 15 minutes ago, and you know he was the last one to leave that class...
July 2011
1 post
The Joke Killer
A toast to you, Joke Killer - There is one of these in every group of friends. The one friend that once he gets his hands on a perfectly good “inside joke,” the rest of the group knows they’re about to witness a joke-icide (Joke Murder).
This person usually kills the joke slowly. In the most painful way possible. And he makes all of you watch. Its like he refilmed the movie...
June 2011
4 posts
Code Red Stage 5 Facebook Stalker (as promised)
A Toast to you, Facebook Stalker - Everyone does it. In fact, you probably just got done doing it. We find some people on Facebook, whether its an ex, a friend, a friend’s ex, an old HS crush, your sister’s roommate, your buddy’s cousin’s friend’s mom with the huge tits or anyone…and we look through their Facebook profile. Pictures, interests, old wall posts....
Beer Stealer (you asshole)
A toast to you, Beer Stealer - Beer. Delicious, golden and refreshing. There is nothing better than cracking open an ice cold and sitting in the sunshine. In college, beer is probably one of the main food groups. There’s: Fast Food, Dining Hall sludge, Pizza, Ramen and Beer…and for me, toast. When I think back on what my diet was like in college, these are what will come to mind.
Take...
Girl who thinks she has "way more guy friends than...
A toast to you, Girl who thinks she has “way more guy friends than girl friends.” - I’m probably going to get some shit for this one because I feel like 75 percent of the girls I know feel this way. And in some cases, its true. Some girls just connect better with us guys. They’re more comfortable talking about sports and joking and having fun than they are with talking...
The Extreme Drunk Texter
A toast to you, Extreme Drunk Texter - I love texting. In fact, I do it all the time. Speaking on the phone has its uses: Car crashes, trying to find each other in a crowd, speaking to a significant other, letting your best friend know that Family Guy is on TBS. You know, the emergencies.
Now as you can tell by the paragraph above, I text all the time. Especially when I am drunk. I think that...
May 2011
1 post
Touchy-Feely Couple
A toast to you, Touchy-Feely Couple - Congratulations on finding each other. It must be really special to have somebody else who loves you and does not mind groping the fuck out of you in public while simultaneously getting fondled in return.
Couples are awesome. What’s better than having a great girl who you can walk to class with, hold her hand, spoil her, watch bad movies with her, stay...
April 2011
15 posts
Disclaimer
If you’re offended by these posts then you have serious personal issues. These are about nobody in particular but rather just people we all see around at college. They’re for entertainment purposes only
Girl who pretends to know sports
A toas to you, Girl who pretends to know sports - In my mind, there is nothing sexier than a girl who can talk sports. Especially basketball. In fact, the girls in my life who I have connected with most have always been big sports fans (especially this one girl who is also a Celtics fan) When I look for a girl thats a priority for me. Because when I get older I want to be able to take my...
The One-Upper
A toast to you, the One-Upper - Now I can’t be too hard on this guy, because I am a self-proclaimed one-upper. However, some guys just take it to the extreme. Yes, I like to win everything, even conversations. But I rarely say what I’m thinking out loud. I usually keep the thought of how much more physically awesome I am than them, to myself. So if someone says “I just made 9 out...
Girl who thinks every song is about her life
A toast to you, Girl who thinks every song is about her life - I feel like almost every girl I meet feels this way about some song.
No fucking way is any song written about your life!
Just because the lyrics of Lady Gaga’s song talk about drinking, dancing, having problems with boys, being a slut and loving your betches, doesn’t mean they’re about your life. It just means she...
Asian guy who thinks he's "like at least part...
A toast to you, Asian guy who thinks he’s “like at least part black” - This one is pretty popular. I don’t know why this is, but Asian guys in college are either really nerdy or they think they’re black. By “thinking they’re black” I don’t mean they actually think their skin color is black and they are of African descent, I just mean they dress...
Girl with the rolling backpack
A toast to you, Girl with the rolling backpack - Although this one is not someone you would find at a party, remember that this blog is about people we hate seeing around campus, not just at parties. Parties just happen to have the highest number of people we hate. Now, back to the toast.
HOW FUCKING OLD ARE YOU?! A rolling backpack?! Not only was this a trend from middle school, it wasn’t...
The sober guy at the party who is judging all of...
A toast to you, The Sober Guy at the Party Who Is Judging All of Us - (a nod to my best friend for this idea) I’m all about having a DD. In my opinion, they are what can make or break a party. It is because of them that we can be so happy and carefree about being at a party and not have to worry about “how are we are going to get home?” or “Did he just drive home...
Wounded-Soldier Guy
A toast to you, Wounded Soldier Guy - Whenever we have a party at our house, we always dread the cleanup of the following morning. Honestly, I think its worth it. I would trade one night of awesome drinking, followed by a short ten foot walk to my bed, for an hour to an hour and 1/2 of hungover house cleaning, any day.
The morning after begins with the obvious, exiting your room with a killer...
Listen
The Crying Girl
A toast to you, Crying Girl - Everyone who has ever been in college knows this girl. At some point during a party, this girl seems to realize that “nobody loves her,” that she’s “never going to find a husband,” that “a guy at the party looks like my 8th grade ex” or that “my life is in shambles”.
To make matters worse, this bitch can’t...
The "looking for a fight" guy
A toast to you, the “looking for a fight” guy - This is one I was just talking about the other night with some of my buddies. There seems to always be that one jackass at the party who is looking to fight anyone and everyone for anything and everything.
OK, we get it, you’re either a small guy who feels like he has to prove himself by picking on the most drunk guy at the party...
B-Pong Girl
A toast to you, B-Pong Girl - Otherwise known as “Oh my God, I love B-Pong”-Girl. I have no problem with girls playing BP. I’ve played against some pretty good girls. In fact, I remember one game where a girl made more cups than me. Now I know I’m not the “World’s Best BP player” but lets face it, I’m a guy, and we allllllll know that guys are...
Good enough girl who does not shut up
A toast to you, Good enough girl who does not shut up- This girl is absolutely good enough. But she never shuts the fuck up. She enters the party first out of her friends. She’s holding a tumbler with her initial on it. Obviously, since she is a girl, she has to drink her cheap-Vodka-and-Crystal-Light-Pink-Lemonade-mix through a straw. She throws her hand in the air, looking to go up to the...
Making toast
I love toast. I love coming home drunk, unwrapping some really cheap white bread, turning my toaster to the halfway spot between level 4 and 5, pushing the handle down, then reaping my delicious golden prize that pops up after just a few moments. Put a little butter on there, maybe some jam, and I’m set. I would eat it for every meal if I could. The “accoutrement” is cheap. Its...
